I don’t take their stuff often, just when I’m sure they don’t need it. I’m usually right, but there are times when Johnny finds out I’ve taken something he forgot he owned and he gets mad like I took it right out of his hands a second ago. Edgar usually asks to see whatever it was for a minute and then gives it back to me. Usually, though, they don’t want the stuff.
No one listened to the music on the CD I took. I knew because I found it in a box in the basement. When I heard it, I kind of understood.
The songs were cute. They were happy. They were kind of like what the rest of my demographic was doing on TV. They were like what Nny and Edgar looked like when they didn’t think I was looking, only without all the ‘fuck you’s and ‘die in a fire’s scattered between the happy sounds and almost romance. I was sure Nny would hate every track. Edgar might like them, but only if he was alone not only in the house but on the block.
I liked them. I still like them. I’m a girl; I think I’m supposed to. I’m still not sure why the CD was even here, but I’m glad it was.
They remind me of Tess, even though I don’t think she would like them either. They’re all about some relationship or another that totally failed or that didn’t get started. I guess they could be Uncle Jimmy, too, but I think his issues are better expressed with phrases like ‘I just wanted to fuck’ and ‘your body’ than ‘how can I carry on?’ and ‘oh, darling’. Tess and Edgar probably aren’t the darling type either. Nny would laugh until he threw up if someone called him that seriously.
Edgar would be really upset if he knew that I knew that ‘fuck’ wasn’t a swear word just because someone decided it should be.
There’s a wedding song. Lots of “I do”ing and ‘don’t deny you love me’. I still haven’t figured out why Edgar won’t get married. Nny would say, ‘fuck you’ or something and then he’d take a ring or something without hesitation. He definitely would.
But still, it’s like, “Darling, let’s try it” and I think that sounds familiar. It’s Edgar plus that weird ‘darling.’ I used to be angry at him for doing ‘darling’ things. I think I was jealous and I think Tess was right, but for a while, he said things and did things that were so sentimental I felt embarrassed for Nny.
Nny laughed at him every time Edgar did something that Tess would have called sweet, and he kept doing them, no matter how deep Johnny’s laugh. I wonder if Johnny was really more okay with those sweet things than he showed. I’ve seen him be okay before.
I never mean to stay when I see something I shouldn’t, but it’s gotten harder. It scared me when I first got here, and now it’s something that I feel should gross me out and intrigue me as well.
I don’t watch long. I’m not like that. Uncle Jimmy might be, but I’m not going to ask him.
The only song that matches him here keeps repeating ‘gimme gimme gimme’ in reference to a man. I think the women singing it meant it to be a tall dark stranger and not Nny, but I think I’ve learned living here that songs are flexible. They go whatever way you want them to. This is Uncle Jimmy’s style.
This song is about a tease or something. The person singing is completely absorbed in said tease. For how much they’d never listen to these, I keep seeing them in it. This is either a fixation or that they’re the only people I talk to.
(At out last show, someone gave us little dolls they’d made from felt. Nny thought they were creepy and wanted to throw them out, but I kept them. I thought the Nny doll was pretty clever and Edgar doll even had these teeny glasses. I have no idea if I’m too old to do it, but these little dolls have been enjoying this CD. )